


be eager for that flame

by loveknives



Series: i twist like a sunflower at the sound of your voice [4]
Category: This Is Not Fiction (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Character, M/M, the best of friends being the best together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 07:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10612524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveknives/pseuds/loveknives
Summary: “I need to tell you something,” he says quietly. Immediately, his mind starts spinning lies to tell Isaiah: ‘My sister’s sick, I failed a test, I don’t know what to get my mother for her birthday.’ Nothing sounds genuine. Sickness wells up in his throat, burning against his skin and making his body shake. This was a mistake, him being like this was a mistake, too cowardly and unusual to be like everyone else.---Julian has something to tell Isaiah. Emotions make it difficult.





	

Julian feels overwhelmed.

He could say that it was because of his schoolwork, but no; essays done, textbooks read and meticulously poured over meant he was doing relatively well. It could be the stress of the future, of applying for internships and job positions he’s unsure of. Or, it could just be the fact that Julian’s a lonely freshman and it’s finally starting to get to him.

Is he lonely, though? He has Isaiah, after all. Always there for him, supporting him in whatever he did, lending his shoulder for the times Julian needed to vent. Selby was around in spirit, and in text, and Leslie was the same. The small ring of friends Julian kept was more than enough than that, so he couldn’t say he was really lonely. At the very least, he didn’t long for anymore friends that he couldn’t emotionally keep up with. It was tiring enough trying to keep up with his own emotions.

Julian wonders what he wants. There’s _something_ that’s missing from his life, he feels, though he’s unsure if it’s a bout of melancholy brought along by winter. Seasonal depression was something, after all, but winter was already in full swing and he hadn’t been worse for wear. But still, the feeling remains. Maybe he needed a hobby, something to hold his interest beyond a shallow curiosity.

Perhaps he’s overthinking things.

Julian rolls over on his bed to look over at Isaiah. His roommate’s looking down at a stack of papers, another pile resting next to him. It looks like some sort of math from across the room, maybe physics. Isaiah was better at those kind of things (everything, really) and moved through the problems steadily. It was peaceful, watching him; the monotony of the actions grounded Julian. Something normal amidst the whirlwind of emotions inside him.

“I can feel you staring, you know.” Julian reddens. Being caught staring isn’t anything bad, but the fact that he was so obviously focused on Isaiah embarrasses him. Anxiety takes hold of him; does Isaiah think he stares all the time? Or that he’s staring for a reason that’s....less than friendly. Julian’s face burns. It’s not that Isaiah is unattractive in the slightest, or that he’s someone Julian wouldn’t be interested in, but he’s just not _interested in him_. Especially seeing as he’s his roommate, and best friend, and decidedly not interested in him.

But what if he was? What if at night, Isaiah laid in bed and thought about dating Julian. The blond’s thoughts wandered there sometimes, when he was especially lonely and down on himself. Isaiah would be a good boyfriend, Julian thinks. He’s supportive during the worst of times, easygoing and friendly at the best. Someone who’s dependable and hard-working; things that anyone would want in their life. He would be a good long-term choice, but probably not a person to pick someone as meek and selfish as Julian.

Despite this, Julian doesn’t mind the disparaging train of thought. Beyond the occasional daydream that caught him by surprise, his interest in Isaiah was nothing more than platonic. A best friend, someone who he could count on and consider as dear as family. No dreams of true love and romance with him; that was best left to books.

His heart feels sore; he can’t share this with Isaiah, no matter how much he wants to. He would be disgusted, or scornful, or any myriad of negative emotions Julian can imagine. Isaiah wouldn’t understand at all, but despite it all Julian still wants to tell him.

“Hey, are you alright?” Isaiah’s voice carries across the room. Julian failed to stop staring, even as Isaiah turned to face him. “Anyone over there?”

An impulsive mood overtakes Julian. He clenches his hands into fists around the blankets on his bed. He wants to blurt out the truth to Isaiah, and hope that everything would work out for the best. Julian can’t do that. It’ll go wrong. “I need to tell you something,” he says quietly. Immediately, his mind starts spinning lies to tell Isaiah: ‘ _My sister’s sick, I failed a test, I don’t know what to get my mother for her birthday._ ’ Nothing sounds genuine. Sickness wells up in his throat, burning against his skin and making his body shake. This was a mistake, him _being like this was a mistake_ , too cowardly and unusual to be like everyone else.

Isaiah stands; he already knows, somehow, and is coming to express his disapproval. But no, he sits on the end of the bed. Julian’s foot brushes against him, twitches at the contact. “Go for it,” is all he says, looking down at Julian calmly.

He’s already here, he can’t back down. Anything else less serious would be met with skepticism and worry. The blond swallows once, twice, and covers his mouth with one hand. “I think…,” he begins, steeling himself for the words he’s about to say. “I don’t think that I, um, want to date girls.”

It sounds so juvenile. Julian wants to run, out into the snowy campus and away from the words he’s created. Of all the ways to say it, to finally reveal something so intimate, and he sounds more like a child whose words hadn’t fully gathered yet. But it was true, at least, and that was more than he had ever thought possible in his life.

He feels a hand resting on his leg. Julian hadn’t looked up at Isaiah after speaking, but his eyes flicker upward. Isaiah looks sympathetic, which is a step above disgusted. He doesn’t look pitying, either; Julian wonders if that would be worse.

“That’s fine,” Isaiah begins. He waits for a moment before speaking again. “It’s not a big deal to me, or anything. I know it is to you,” his hand pats Julian’s leg, “and I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me. I’m not going to go switch rooms or anything. It’s cool with me.”

Relief washes over Julian. The burden that rested for so long on his shoulders lightens the smallest amount. “Are you sure?” he asks. Something like this seems too good to be true. There had to be some catch, some small bit of discomfort inside Isaiah.

“Of course I am,” he says. “It’s not like you’re a murderer or anything. You’re still Julian to me.”

He was still Julian. That was true. His hands relax, and he sits up slightly. “I think the only thing I’ve killed lately is a few years off my life,” the shorter boy laughs. “Not because I’ve killed other people, or anything, but because I’ve been so worried.” His words are awkward, but he feels all the better for being able to feel that much more comfortable. And Isaiah laughs, too, which is a bonus.

There’s silence. Julian stretches out his toes and fingers, trying to make each part of himself uncurl from the tension that had it balled up moments before. He doesn’t feel inclined to say anything, so he just sits. He could probably find some extra work to do, and he’s getting hungry. Mundane thoughts come and go. Julian’s heart feels lighter than it did before.

“Is there any reason you decided to tell me now?” His roommate’s tone is teasing, of all things, and for a second Julian feels affronted. “I mean, you were out the other night, and I was just wondering if you’d found someone you like.”

“Of course not!” Julian squawks. The implication that Landon was someone he’d been on a date with, of all people, makes his face blush again. Isaiah didn’t know that it was the redhead, but even then the thought of dating him makes him feel embarrassed. His friendship with Landon was budding once more, but it hadn’t taken steps beyond that. That was how it was going to stay.

But they had slept together, in the same bed. They’d made the bed together after, no awkwardness or questions at all. It was...domestic, Julian thinks. Was that something friends did? Isaiah had shared a bed with him out of necessity, once or twice, but Landon had a couch and he could have survived a night of cold sleep. Even then, Landon’s arms around him were warm as he dozed off, and it was a peaceful night of sleep. It was something so unusual in its intimacy for Julian that he almost feels ashamed to even think about it.

Isaiah raises his hands at him. “I’m just asking, don’t worry,” he’s grinning, “but if you are, I’m totally supportive of you. I’m sure anyone you’d date would be great.”

“Even Landon?” Julian’s speaking before he can even process what he’s saying. He watches Isaiah appraise him, brows furrowing. Silence, again, but a tenser one. So stupid of him to even _mention_ Landon to someone that disliked him. He’d already ruined the brief respite that he’d made for himself. Julian waits for the inevitable rejection.

“I didn’t know you’d seen Landon again at all,” Isaiah says. His tone is steady, neutral.

“I met up with him at a club I went to once,” Julian tells him. “We started speaking again, and we’re...we’re kind of friends again? I know my dad told me not to be, but I think that...I think that I was wrong to listen to him.”

His roommate nods. “I get that. I guess it would be pretty hard to cut someone off like that and not regret it. I wasn’t ever close to him, but I know you were. Is he any different?”

“Kind of?” Julian thinks that he is, slightly; he’s more grounded, a bit more mature. But mostly, he was still the same lighthearted, humorous persona that the blond remembered. Nothing too drastic had made him into another person. “I feel like he hasn’t really changed that much. It’s just different now that we’re trying to be friends, again, for the third time. I don’t know if he really wants to try all that much anymore, but he still is. I don’t know why.” That was the truth; Julian doesn’t particularly feel he deserves Landon’s friendship, after years of cutting him off and returning. It was mean of him to be so uncaring about the redhead’s feelings, but circumstances came between the friendship. He still wants to try, now, that things seem clearer.

“Well, at least I know what to expect from him,” Isaiah says. His face is pensive for a moment, before he turns to face Julian with a grin. “I didn’t know you _liked_ him.”

“I don’t! I was just...thinking about how you were talking about how I stayed with someone, and I wanted you to know that I was hanging out with him again in case something happens while I’m with him and you show up and then see him with me and think he’s kidnapped me to sell in his weird black market schemes!” The words fall out of his mouth, and Isaiah is laughing. “I’m being serious! It would be weird of you to just see us together one day and not know!”

His roommate continues to laugh, and Julian hides his face. He’s so embarrassed, but not the heavy kind of shame that had gripped him moments before. Thinking about romance and liking people like this makes him feel ticklish and worried, and involving Landon in it made it all the more worse. The most flirtatious and suggestive person he knew, dating him? That would be a trainwreck. It could never work, Julian thinks, even if either of them wanted it. There was too much between them.

“Well, at least I know where to find you if you’re a missing person,” Isaiah’s words pull his attention out of his hands. “I’ll keep it in mind. Just tell me if you’re staying with him or one of your mysterious lovers, alright?”

The blond shrieks, louder. Moments ago, he had thought Isaiah _supportive_ , and here he was poking and prodding at his emotions. It was all in good fun, though, so he reaches over to push at Isaiah lightly. “No lovers! None, never!”

Even as he says it, there’s that ache inside him again; the urge to have something, though he still can’t decipher what it is. A lover? Julian thinks that sounds too much like a Sydney Morgan novel, so he thinks _boyfriend_ instead. Someone to cuddle with, and to go out on cute dates with. Someone who cared about him no matter what, even during his worst moments. Someone he cared about.

There’s laughter in the room, still, and Julian adds his own. He feels disconnected from the situation now, but in a thoughtful way. Perhaps he was wanting for something like that. Perhaps it was a fit of emotion and mood swings brought along by the energy in the moment. For now,at least, he could enjoy this moment, even if his body felt weighed down by its own internal moods. For now, this was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> hey this series is slowly getting places and julian's learning how to deal with emotions, very very slowly also idk how to write isaiah well so apologies if this isn't the best
> 
> i'm loveknives on tumblr, talk to me about tinf. the lovely source webcomic, as always, belongs to tinfcomic/gorockets


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